There is no normal life, there's just life

2010-04-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

well....would you look at that.
ive managed to skip the majority of my sophomore year on my blog.
i was just looking down at the past few posts and theres one from pretty much exactly a year ago. i have a week left of classes. and i have been listening to joni mitchell on repeat for the past few days. this seems to be a ritual in my end of april behavior.

this year has changed me so very drastically. it has put me in a place in college i had absolutely NO CLUE i would be in if you talked to me at the end of freshman year.

lets make a list of the amazing things that have happened:
1) I made the Peapod Squad, which is the most amazing improv group on Clark campus. I have made so many amazing friends since being a part of that group that I am comfortable with and have the most AMAZING time with.
2)I was in a play. Two actually! Columbinus in the fall 2009, and a student driected and written one in the spring 2010. I finally got to act and meet a lot of people in the theatre community!
3)Since doing both the play and improv, I managed to meet and fall in love with the most amazing boyfriend ever, Riley. Never would I EVER have thought I would find someone as perfect for me as him.
4)The boyfriend went abroad. So the majority of my Spring 2010 semester has been stuck to the computer on skype. We have DEFINITELY had up and downs and sidewayses...but we've come out of it alot stronger than we went in. Distance is a funny thing to deal with.
5)I went to England for my Spring Break...who would have thought.
6)I am working for commencement for May 23rd.
7)I am going to Florida at the end of May.

This year has been so great. And I'm really feeling now that I don't want it to end. Ever! At all! But that's the way life works. Hmph.

I'll Follow The Sun

2009-09-10T13:39:00.000-07:00

The guy outside my office is listening to The Beatles, and i am in a super laid back mood.

I am currently in the Traina Center at college. Its the arts building. If i could live in it, i would because its an awesome building. I kind of live in it already. Considering my job is an office assistant here, which is a fail because turns out i suck on the phone, and I have a 3 hour art class in the mornings. Every time i come in here its like i've never seen it before. It feels really new and exciting, even though I've been at Clark for a year already. This year is SO DIFFERENT from last. I look and feel older. Seeing shy and nervous freshmen, as well as slutty and annoying ones, is weird. That was my class! We were the youngest and could do anything we wanted basically, whether it be fucking around, hooking up with the worst possible person, embarrassing ourselves...anything! It was okay...because we didn't know any better.

But now i see these froshies...and im realizing that its not as high a priority to get super trashed on the weekend and make a big mistake. I'd much rather have fun, enjoy myself, and still be able to function in class and not have big regrets. hide myself away. and be hungover and pass out on the desk...which has happened a number of times.

Also this year is just better with classes! Last year I didn't take a single class I enjoyed. But this year, I have drawing! And theatre! And french! And..econ?...Well most of them are great anyway. But I'm actually enjoying going, which is a far far cry from my freshman year. I missed art SO MUCH.

And I finally got my tattoo! Its so amazing I'm so super happy with it :)

Hopefully this year will continue being kickass. Time to go answer more phones..

Chop chop

2009-08-07T16:01:00.001-07:00

I cut my hair today. Not me, the hairdresser. But she cut 10 inches. TEN. I feel a million times lighter. I've had the same hair since senior year. Change is good!

This is exactly the same hairstyle I had when I was in 3rd grade and got gum in my hair at Catie Joy's house and had to have it cut SO SHORT i cried. But not today! I keep reaching up to play with it and its simply NOT THERE. I guess hair is sort of a metaphor for the weight I've had on me for a little while. For some reason working at Springside brought me into a slump. But after working with kids for 7 weeks...how could it NOT leave you exhausted? At least I got cashola out of it!

So I went to Cape May with Lina and it was incredibly weird. Duh, nostalgia kicked in because that was the same house where AWESOME SUMMER wrapped up. And I hadn't been there since I was 16. 2 years later, I walk in, and it was like I never left. I felt all giggly and excited and free. I missed the beach, and minus the fact that I got pretty sunburned, it was amazing. I'm going down to North Carolina on Wednesday for a week and then I have ONE WEEK left in Philadelphia before I pack all my stuff up and drive on back up to Worcester.

Oh man. Time to learn French and hopefully get into this 2D Drawing: Visual Studies class ive been crossing my fingers over for a good 4 months! I'm an art major damnit, I better get in or I'm screwed. Well, not necessarily screwed BUT i'l have to take art history instead and im really bad at that.

Its funny. So many people have moved on from the Cape May summer...including myself. But there's some days where I find them in my phone and ask myself...where ARE YOU. where did you GO! COME BACK!

Just another sign I need to get back to school and focus on education again....yaaaaaaay?

19

2009-07-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

its funny. ive been going through my blog and i think its really funny how much ive grown up. i decided to delete all of the entries that were unnecessary or stupid sounding. i deleted around 100 of them.
really? 100? yes sir, and i didn't feel that bad about doing it. sure, its deleting a little piece of my past but they all didn't really matter anymore. highschool, in the grand scheme of things, was pretty great while i was it. but now im starting to be hit with the real world, and im finding i have a love hate relationship with it so far.
love: the people, the freedom, learning, travelling, figuring out more about myself day by day
hate: how much it costs, literally and figuratively.
i took for granted how awesome getting a card in the mail was. now all i ever seem to get are PAY BACK YOUR LOAN! envelopes. what happened to the birthday cards? the checks? the exciting info letters from Clark? nope, its alllll about the money these days.
also being so far from home, im seeing now from being back in philadelphia this summer, is so wonderful. and i really really got in a slump during the year simply because i was not here. yeah, its awesome your on your own! in the real world! but sometimes...its nice if your laundry is done for you. or you have leftovers in the fridge that you didn't make that you can just snack on. if theres a new pack of gum waiting on your dresser or you need$5 for a wawa run. wawa in itself is an entity that i wish could exist in EVERY state...that was a serious hit to the gut when i moved.
im not saying ive grown up so much that im a whole new person, but i have in a lot of ways. little tedious things dont seem to bother me as much as they used to. now im realizing, i just really dont care. i could care less about the things that meant the world a year ago. its stupid, but it makes a big difference in how i view a lot of things in the world and how i listen to peoples stories or interests and how i speak in return.
ive realized im not a talker. im a good listener who knows when to say what when. im kind of guarded in a lot of ways people dont get. im becoming more aware of this in myself each day. its weird, but its a very good thing.
wow so maybe none of this made sense and i have to wake up in 8 hours...but whatever its just life right now.

2009-05-12T21:21:00.000-07:00

i feel like this would be a good night to have a friend that would magically appear out of nowhere and feel exactly the same as i do. they would want to drive forever and ever and ever and ever. they would want to stay up all night and talk nonsense with me. they would want to start over.

ive reached this wall. im tired of the same old thing. when i was at school i couldn't WAIT until i got back to my own bed and my old friends and my old family. my old junk. i tired of this little world i have hidden away here. i want to DO things that arent in the rules of bedtime. i want to break out! and be stupid! and meet new people and be a little dangerous. that isn't such a bad thing. i mean, im almost 19. WHY am i almost 19 and feeling like i havent been crazy enough? ive certainly done enough crazy shit to be content with. but i was in highschool and had my big brothers and sisters there guiding me. they controlled who i saw and who i hung out with and where i slept. im TIRED OF IT. ive gone through a year of college, but still felt like i was "the young one". fuck it, im in my OWN LIFE. living my own life!

why do i feel like i have to chill with the same people and ckeep backtracking into the same bad patterns and habits when im back here? its because thats all im used to. thats all i know. i really want to go on an adventure this summer. i want to go crazy....i want to explore new things.

just why is no one else up for that tonight? ugh.

Joni Mitchell Saturdays..

2009-04-18T15:25:00.000-07:00

Its spring. The birds are chirping in the tree outside my window, its raining, its humid, and the clouds are light gray and hanging really low. I haven't done a single thing productive...not like I wanted to or need to at this exact moment. I'm listening to Joni Mitchell. I normally don't listen to her. But Joni Mitchell reminds me of Isabel, and Isabel reminds me of home, and this kinda of weather reminds me of when I turned 16. Man, was I an idiot. I like to think I've made significant progress since then, but its a slow drive up that long hill. I'm realizing sometimes people and places are just there at the right time. Right when you are changing and figuring out your young life, what they do and say really matters to you so much. They have so much wisdom that you can't help but suck in and carry as the tippy top of "right". But right now, I'm realizing that some of the stuff I believed was awesome and some of the people I held up on a pedastal aren't really that great after all.

This kind of weather makes me excited...but also sad. I have a week left of classes. After that I take some big tests and move my junk back to Philadelphia for the summer. My junk. I can't help but feel like I'm living out of a suitcase sometimes. I'm having a mini home crisis. Where is home? Where do i feel at home?
I used to feel at home in my bed staring out my window with all the pictures on my wall making me feel satisfied with everything I had accomplished up until that point. I used to feel at home at the Rec. I used to feel at home at Springside.
But everythings different now. I feel at home driving my car. I feel at home in this frigid awkwardly shaped funny little state called Massachusetts. I like not knowing things. I like getting lost here. I may have the worst luck at travel, but I like it. People who know people here...I just couldn't do that. I couldn't be like "oh hey, that person went to my highschool!"
I like being the short crazy loon girl from Philadelphia with the awkward brothers, crazy mom, and sick nasty dad who draws pictures and wants to try and do it forever.

So I'll be home this summer, working, catching up with the kids. But what I really want to do are things out of the ordinary. I want to explore what I like. I want to go to the beach alot more. I want to swim. I want to drive. I want to lie out. I want to eat popsicles and hummus and cereal everyday. I want to be there right now.

2009-04-08T21:41:00.000-07:00

So its April 9th, and I'm still alive and breathing. Surprising? A little yeah. My freshman year is almost OVER. I have no idea where all the time went. Most likely it went hand in hand with all the money I ever earned. Its been a difficult second semester for me, partially due to my classes, but also just distancing myself from home and here and finding a decent balance. My home is Philadelphia, but a huge chunk of my family and support system is in Massachusetts. Its going to be difficult having to pack up all my stuff and leave Bullock, not just the building, but the family I found in it. Being in Bullock shaped by freshman experience, and each day I can't believe I'm that much closer to having to leave it.
The summer is coming closer each day too, and I am SO happy for that. This summer I want something new and crazy and amazing to happen, and I think it will. I can't wait to be carefree and play and be a grown up all at the same time. I can't wait for 19 and Dave Matthews and fireworks and budlime and roasting marshmallows. I can't wait for the Oldsmobile. Being away from home makes you see just how big the world is and how great too, but sometimes you just need to get back to comfortable and old and your own house. And believe me, I don't think I can sleep in a bunkbed forever...oh no.
So here we go, the rest of April to get through...but May 4th? Watch out...the summer of 09 will be just beginning.

2009-03-20T18:43:00.000-07:00

I miss painting. I havent been able to do it all year and its really depressing. I've been distracted with everything else, sure, but April is just around the corner and I'm like...wait. How is my Freshman year in college almost done!? I just started it! I want to be an art major and I haven't painted a single thing. Drawings here and there, but only maybe two things worth keeping. Ultimate fail.

Also, I want this summer to be different and have something amazing and new happen in it. I want to be surprised.

Youth, or something like it.

2009-02-18T20:25:00.000-08:00

Remember that time,
Where the sun bowed down to to the quiet sway of soft bodies
twinkling down its beams of hopeful somethings
and the radio buzzed with new thoughts?

When we tip-toed around with shy glances and big smiles,
playful beginnings dripping lightly on a blank canvas
our colors, us running together without a set path
sparkling youth in the summer sunshine?

When I close my eyes on snowy nights,
when my hands lose feeling in the cold,
I splash my heart across the white all around
and I can almost hear you laughing.

Tossing and Turning...

2009-01-20T16:12:00.000-08:00

So I couldn't sleep last night. Maybe it was because I slept in until around 1:30pm...I don't really know, but I had class at 9am so I was in bed solid at midnight for once. I listened to my iPod until forever, I wrote in my journal, I tossed and turned and even debated taking another shower which wasn't necessary at all. I had just come back from yoga so relaxed so I figured, what could possibly be the problem?
Turns out there's a few.
I absolutely love the fact that I'm in college. I love my friends, I love being able to work hard in order to actually GET myself somewhere, I love being in Massachusetts with the snow and the cosy feeling of my dorm...but its hard to look at home. I really miss my family. Its also really weird to have my friends in my grade scattered all across the US, and some at home too. I guess its freaking me out how once this summer hits, an ENTIRELY new vibe is gonna kick in for me. It hit when I turned 16 when I met my good friends now, and I guess its gonna happen again when I'm 19. The older guys are going to finally move up and on from Philly for a while, and that in itself is going to be seriously weird. I've always had that safety net right there to talk to and have fun with...it might be a little hard at first to transition. Also, its going to be weird to leave all my friends at school for 4 MONTHS. Thats another one of those distance things..its like two seperate lives. I'm like....Batman or something. Be someone in one place, and someone else in the other. Its also going to bother me the fact that I'm going to have to work at Springside. I mean, they do give out a shitload of money so that is really great...but I am extremely done with that entire place. Thats kinda why I want my dad to leave there...so that I don't have to go back. 14 years is enough. I dont' even know anyone there in terms of teachers who helped me become who I am now...so whats the point.
Oh I don't know.
I really miss art. I have to use this year to fulfill all the classes I need to in order to graduate, including the ones I don't like, so I don't have time to do art classes yet. I mean, there will be tons and tons later on...but right now I have to suck it up and just TRY to understand Economics and Earth Science and Peace Studies...American Writers II I like so...I guess thats fine.
These are just a few of the things that I started thinking about while my roommate snored her way into oblivion and I stayed up until 6...having to wake up 3 hours later for class. Wonderful.
Although, it wasn't so bad. The world officially got a new figure of hope put in office today. And thats more important to think about right now.

Happy Endings

2008-12-28T23:42:00.000-08:00

I still believe in happy endings. Although, a lot of things have got in the way that should have made me stop believing a while ago. Its funny to think that there can be times when the people, the time, and the place around you simply make you feel like you could conquer anything, go anywhere, truly BE free. Its a moment..where the past and future don't really matter. They exist, sure, but its not something to worry about or regret. I used to have these minor freak outs sophmore year. I would worry that I was growing up too fast and everyone around me was moving at a different pace then I was. I felt like I just couldn't move fast enough to keep up. I had time ahead of me to grow and think and change my mind daily about who I wanted to be later on.
And its not like I finally made it to where everyone else was. Its not anything like that. I met an entirely new group of people, who have become some of the most interesting friends I have met so far. Everything smashed together with those people, that time, and that place we were all at. That summer opened my eyes to what being carefree meant...the difference between lust and love and everything in between...how one day could shape the rest of your life as you know it now.
Its looking back on moments where everything seems to fit, and realizing it can't really happen again that pulls at me. I always hope for that day where out of the blue, it just easily becomes a clarifying time. Where I could rethink everything and live life in a different perspective if that even makes sense. Seemingly college would be the perfect transition for this to happen again, but I dont know. I can go as far away as possible, but when I come home, I always want to go back to that summer. I always want to not have to think and feel like each day could go on forever and ever and each night would just refuse to stop. The stars would shine as long as they wanted to and we could drive across the world..
Its this time now where I get really upset and I couldn't really understand it until now. That dynamic I felt fueled me throughout the rest of highschool. I had that safety net of memories and friends to keep me motivated, as well as the opportunity to escape it all and feel like an adult without really having to deal with responsibility of any kind. I could get as wasted as I wanted and watch it become an instant starting point for stories and more nights to follow. But now everything has been used too much and reused too much. Nothing feels new or special.
And don't get me wrong there are some things that get better and better with time, friends I couldn't live without. But there are some people who I've just lost with time or who I will seperate from with time. The feeling that I have so much time to spend not caring is over. It didn't feel like Christmas. Theres no surprise anymore.
I think the fact that there isn't any surprise is what hurts the most. The fact that I have to grow up and worry about money and about who I'm going to be. I'm scared.
I wish sometimes those people, that time, and that place could just come back. I really really wish it could.

I Remember

2008-12-18T20:23:00.000-08:00

I remember. I remember when we were younger, a little less informed about the world around us. I remember when you used to be the one who could know me. You could read my emotion in my eyes. I remember when the weather was warmer, and we were closer. You were afraid. We were afraid. Of years, of birthdays, of the second hand. We used to listen to music in the soft grass and laugh about ourselves. About everyone around us. I remember when you held my hand and tears fell upon my shoulder. I remember when I collapsed in your arms and could not go on without you. I remember when the daylight faded and we would discuss nothings in the twilight hum of phone calls. I remember when you cut your hair too short. I remember when you melted when he walked into the room. Your laugh when I was happy. Laughing at everything. Things were funny. I remember when I had to leave you. I remember when the ones around us started to fade. I remember writing to you and caring. I remember caring so deeply about you. I remembered your boots and your coats and conversations. I remember others things I didn't think I would until now. I remember dramatic moments. And you felt lost. I was confused. I remember leaving you. I remember trying to hold onto you. I tried to hold onto you. I tried to hold you. I remember popsicles on the stairs. I remember running far. I remember running out. I remember the distance. I could not feel you. I could not. I remember crying in hopes of something. I remember you. You. You make me twist inside. You bring a smile to my face. I remember losing you. I remember when we were afraid of this. I am afraid of this.

"I still believe in summer days.
The seasons always change
and life will find a way.

Ill be your harvester of light
and send it out tonight
so we can start again."
~Sara Bareilles & Ingrid Michaelson "Winter Song"

Fear

2008-07-18T15:16:00.000-07:00

I hate funerals. Ever since I was little, I couldn't really face the idea of death. No one in my family had ever died until I was at least 12 and could somewhat handle it. When my cousin died at 28, I didn't really know how to feel. I cried, of course, but I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral then. My parents thought I couldn't deal. When my great grandparents had strokes and were in the hospital, my parents offered to take me to see them, but I said no. I don't know if it was my own selfish laziness or fear. But after today, I realized it was the fear. The fear of facing the fact that people I had known to be funny and who smiled at my stupid jokes and accomplishments were gone and in pain. I didn't want to see their last moments like that. I wanted to keep them safe in my heart as the fun and wise people I knew as a kid.
But it was different today. I went to Ms.Grady's husbands funeral mass, and I had this sinking feeling. I had gone to one funeral before with the volleyball team, and we all equally lost it together. I had never seen as open casket before. I had never seen someone of which the whole soul of the room cared so deeply for. And while I walked by, I couldn't stop crying. It was tears for her family and her and everything I had been avoiding; how time keeps going and sometimes, we lose the ones we love the most along the way. It was the idea of death wrapped in with leaving all I have known since I was 4. Sometimes I can't help but stop myself and ask why did I decide to go so far. Why did I have the courage to speak to all my peers and even attept to put all my emotion into one lame predictable graduation speech?
But the thing is, I've been avoiding the fear for too long. I can't run away or blame everything else but my own fast heartbeat and lack of words.
Death, I see now, is one of those things that makes me lose my mind. It shakes up things I'm comfortable with, and ideas I think about and the world I see. Time is the same, and age. Today, its all happening again.

14 years, 14 days...

2008-05-28T16:46:00.000-07:00

Here I am. I finished my senior project and I still have forty million things left to do...but I'm almost a Springside graduate. How fucked up is that? I NEVER thought I would get here, seriously...
And I'm in a really weird place. I want to be really close to everyone and have the best summer ever, so I'm cutting out some old people and some old stupid memories to try to do it.
I've made a bunch of mistakes in highschool. Okay, mistakes might be an understatement. Bad choices? Stupid actions? Wrong decisions? Any way you wanna take it, I've messed up a lot. And I can't help but feel like I'm doing it again. Its like I always get here. I get in this place where everything is going well and then out of the blue something happens and it completely transforms who I am or what I want or how I act. It changes what I think about at night and what inspires me. This has been happening for two years straight, and I'm wondering why can't I shake this bad timing thing. Any good thing always has to end or just can't happen, and every bad thing just has to ruin everything I had that was stable.
Right now what is keeping me happy and running are my friends and all the work I have to rush and just get done. I'm hoping that maybe this summer, just once, it might be the right time for something great...something new...anything new.
All the old stuff and dumb decisions I have made? I just want them to fade.

She

2008-04-02T17:30:00.000-07:00

He inhaled like he shouldn't have said anything at all
and the phone fell below feet, tucking under the brake petal.

Mouth was open and parched and tasted like that other one
old and dangerous and what was needed sometimes.

Hands were shaking on the wheel as the car swerved
and cried and cried and shook and screamed.

Thinking and rethinking and hating and loving
and wanting him to press against hips.

His hands nervous and new and tracing and
hes smiling chuckling late at night at the thought.

And its over and driving and driving faster
without looking around at anything, wanting to go forever.

Wanting to go those hours and hours and leave
and forget but hoping when everyone isn't looking.

But there is no more room for forgetting and walls
and glances and almost and frustration and nothing.

Choices are made and words thrown about stupid
like his smile.

And leaving and leaving comes around and everything is wrapping up
and everyone is tearing up and tying up strings.

These games must be over
and yes, he acted like they all thought he would.

There is no more time
there is no more time for this nonsense.

Question of the Day: Will I Graduate?

2008-02-21T21:20:00.000-08:00

I don't really know what to do lately. Going to that same old building everyday is like the worst chore I have ever had to do, and its like with every walk down the hall way and every entrance into a classroom I'm having a harder time breathing. Its not enough that I miss my friends because they've all been swallowed up by the couple thing, I'm over it now. Its just, god, there's something thats slowly leaking out of me everyday, like all of the excitement I used to have about what lay ahead for us all. Sophmore year was all about new experiences, and junior year was all about being stupid and meeting new people and in the process, myself. But senior year...this year has not been like I thought it would. I thought that we would all fall closer together, like a flower slowly closing in...but instead we're all petals falling down, and apart. I mean, I guess I should have seen it coming, with each college acceptance to somewhere 4 hours away. But I just never believed I would be living in this moment. And before I had the inspiration to turn it into a cool poem, but right now I can't..or if i do it sounds terrible. I've lost my inspiration. And maybe its because I have nothing left to write about, that i don't want to even try. Or maybe its because I'm finally accepted that hes gone and nothing else will ever make me feel the way I that summer...i just really really dislike going to school everyday and just "getting through it". And with all these "lasts" and "one more times...", I find myself in a awkward place. I want to stay so bad, or so i told myself for forever, but maybe Im acting so weird because I just need to get out. Just GO.

Wow. Its 12:22 and I can't really stand it anymore. There. I said it, I can't stand high-school. Don't get me wrong, I love people in it with me...I just can not stand the fact that I am stuck here for another 2 months just to keep up my grades enough to finish.

Oh, and I broke the boot today. Wonderous. But i fixed it with duct tape?

Also gave blood today, which was really satisfying after I regained balance in my body and color in my face. I just felt good about it, I duno.

And I don't have a senior project.

Jesus, am I even going to make it graduation? I'm gonna need some serious motivation...slash friends...hmm. Interesting...

2008

2008-01-01T09:44:00.001-08:00

Shoes scratch the weathered sidewalk and as we breathe heavy.
She takes her hand, her fingers freezing.
Slight sweat and pink cheeks as we breeze past those city girls
and 20 somethings with hoops earrings and champagne glasses
and kisses on cheeks
and golden party hats.
Noise makers ring behind us as a man screams out.
8 more blocks?
My tights are falling down, and my hair is a mess.
The girls in front of us walk quickly in canary yellow heels
glimmering in the streetlamp spotlight.
The cables light up in blues and pinks ahead of us
as I splash into a puddle down into the street.
3 more blocks?
And we make a song about it, linking arms
laughing at nothing and everything at the same time
and its okay.
The eyeliner is running as we pulse forward
click clap of heels over white lines and potholes.
Its green! and we run down by the water
holding onto the railing, smiling wider than ever.
The loudspeaker rings through the air
electric as the crowd hushes and overflows with energy.
And bang, enormous bursts of metallic sound
and showers of gold hit our gleaming eyes.
The sky is on fire and the world is awake.
Everyone holds onto one another and cries and laughs and
gets covered in confetti and silver swirls.
We hold hands, and stand still in awe of this.
All of this.
And we have made it, we all know
we are truely alive.

One More

2007-12-16T18:03:00.001-08:00

So here I am. Everytime I've been here before its always been about the beauty of what happened, the emotion that I felt, how the time went by so fast. But here, this time, it all went by perfectly. I didn't imagine what it would be like before it happened, and it turned out better than I think I ever could have believed. This show was one of the most annoying, frusterating, and seemingly emotional shows I have ever taken part in, and I loved it. I loved going to the Rec and seeing everyone in their sweatpants, tired from everything that went on that day, only to shake it all off and dance to an overly obnoxious pop song about being together and having fun. Of all the tearful nights in the beginning to the confetti-filled wonder of the last performance, it was great.
And now I have one more left. One more show.
How fucking weird is that? I always thought about what my last show would be like, never really putting myself in the position of actually having one more to go. And even after all those hypothetical possibilities I could have gone through, I still have no idea. I guess thats whats so great about Players. Each rehearsal and all the energy you put into the character you are given defines the sensation of happiness you feel all over during those last performances. I love that. And I have cried my fair share of tears over this performance...I can't even begin to tell you how bad its going to be in the Spring. And right now, I think I might just pass out due to lack of sleep, or maybe uncomfortable night's rest on a chair without a cushion in a cold basement without socks after spending much of my night being pelted with ice rain but whatever. Thats what cast parties are. Wow its really howling out there right now.
I'm pretty sure that for the rest of my life, I will never forget this show. I love you guys so much and thank you for making this play so memorable. MIS.MIS.GEH.

Applied....now what?

2007-11-27T16:41:00.000-08:00

I applied to college today. 7 colleges, to be precise. I can't help thinking how easy it was, yet how hard it was. I was sitting in the senior commons sitting next to mira, and it was a click of a button. "Submit". I didn't think I was ready. I kept thinking I spelled something wrong or forgot to fill some little white box of information in. Did I put in the right thing? Was I supposed to write that? Shouldn't like 5 people review this before I do anything?!

No.

All those questions, about everything ever academically possible had to go away. I clicked, and there it was. That crazy fanatical process that made me a hermit and awkward and scared and stressed...was over. All the red words are green now. "Subitted 11/27". Sure, I still have to mail my portfolio on CD out tomorrow, stick on the labels and wrap them all up tight in bubble wrap so they dont crack in half on the way, but honestly, its like one weight has been lifted off me and yet another weight of worry is now slowly being crushed upon my chest.

The show. Its coming up too fast. All those rehersals we just skipped that part or were going to learn that dance later, is over too. We have to know this, and we have to know it NOW. And of course, mixed in with all of this worry is the refurnishing of the Rec. The mirrors are changed, their huge, and the lights are bright and shiny. The old wodden floor scratched from one too many character shoes and sprinkled with paint and glitter are a fancy shoedust-printed black. The cabinets have been moved to the loft to make space for our 45 person cast, for nice dressing rooms, with a fold out door. No more curtains that fly with the wind so they boys can take a slight yet obnoxious glance and howl. There's so much wall space. It's like with this new set, this new layout, new fridge, new microwave, new food, new...support, overwhelming support, the atmosphere has changed. Its not the Players I knew as a freshman, and of course that magic has changed, but its shifted with time. With a new director, new friends and castmates, new relationships and positions in the ranks, just...with time. Its good, but its odd at the same time. Its like I want Mr.Smith to give me that wink before we start, or I want Ellie to smile, like I want Brian Beers to mess up the letters. Its like I want to see Monty go half-crazy one stage, or have the senior guys play catch right in the middle of dimly lit greenroom. Its like I want that old, young, naive magic to kick in. Where I was kind of on the outside looking in, just waiting.
The show, its coming up so fast, but its not just because of the change that I'm worried. Its the fact that this is my last fall show, the last time it'll be cold and we'll all be huddling outside as the leaves fall. Its scaring me, and I'm trying to keep calm. It might even look like I'm doing a good job, but everytime I walk backstage or just look around at all the work we're all doing, I have to take a deep breath and stop. I have to take it all in. I can't even shush everyone right or yell, I'm over it. I'm just hoping people will respect this enough to shut up and focus. Quiet doesn't even matter to me anymore. I just want to see the same respect that I had 3 years ago. I want people to want to do this. This may be super-selfish, but..I don't know, I just want to be looked up to. I don't want all I've done down there to be forgotten. I just want the senior shows I thought i would have. And sure, High School Musical may not have been the mature drama or comedy I hoped for, but I've made the best of it. Now I can only hope everyone else can too. In all honesty, its really about time.

"I don't want this moment, to ever end,
Where everything's nothing, without you.
I'll wait here forever just to, to see you smile,
Cause it's true, I am nothing without you.

Through it all, I made my mistakes.
I stumble and fall,
But I mean these words.

I want you to know, with everything I won't let this go.
These words are my heart and soul,
I hold on to this moment you know.
Cause I'd bleed my heart out to show, that I won't let go."
Sum41~"With Me"

"You'll hear the beautiful sound of love coming down..."

2007-10-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

I felt it tonight. Maybe it was the tears, maybe it was the laughter, maybe it was me almost in tears of worry over the unknown whereabouts of one Alex Yang, but I felt it. I felt my family at the Rec finally come together in a mutual way for each and every one of us. I was so worried that it wouldn't happen, so worried that my last fall play would be shadowed by drama and annoyance. But after tonight, i doubt that will happen. So many of you guys made me proud by saying exactly how you really feel, almost all 45 of you, which is amazing. The Rec is a place where we can all truely let go and just "be". We don't need to act like a certain someone or something to fit in. We are just...accepted here, without judgment, without resistance. Players is a place of harmony and work. Fun with a mix of maturity. Trust with respect. That is the way I appreciated the Rec from the moment I stepped in there, and seeing everyone lay it all out there, tearing down their walls and letting their insecurities and love flow out, I now know you all can appreciate it too. Although it may be a little late in the game, I feel comfortable with you now. I feel like I can have fun again, like I actually want to take that walk down to that big old red door. To breathe it all in again. I'm glad at least one thing in my life is alright again. Too glad for this blog to express. Lets keep this feeling alive. Lets make this play one to remember.

"Hot as hell cold as ice sip it slow cause it's so nice
Dulls my senses drives my pain but I do it again
Burns a bit to the touch dangerous if it's too much
If this bottle could talk
Love on the rocks

Babe, baby believe me
If I stay it ain't gonna be easy
Okay we'll do it your way
But this is the last time
You'll hear the beautiful sound of love coming down
Love on the rocks."
~Sara Barellies"Love On The Rocks"

Here

2007-10-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

Lacey shadows tickled the walls as she slid the covers up closer over her neck. The bright sunlight was too much for her to handle, and she pulled the shade down hastily with a sleepy hand. The small streams of sun carried tiny bits of dust, and they fell in a dreamy state upon her cheeks. Her legs were smooth and the sheets were warm. She felt his warmth and the chill down her spine once. The sheets were warm with his breathing, once. It took her so long to fall asleep last night that she can't fathom the task of facing the day. The night took over and her mind was not relaxed. Her thoughts ran wild in dreaming. She saw him right in front of her eyes, glazed over with fear he would run away. Again. Fear he would chase after someone else, again. Her hands were trembling and he smiled with worry. He never meant to hurt her. Never meant to make her cry those many tears. Never meant to keep her awake and wondering on quiet nights. Never meant to leave her lost and lonely. He never meant to go. In dreaming, she could hold him close, and be held. He would watch over her, and she could smile easily. She could laugh there. But dreams are dreams. Just dreams. In opening her eyes, the bright sunlight hit the harshness of reality perfectly. She needed to get up and move on from this warmth. That safe place of intangibility. She needed to ignore the haunting. That chill down her spine. She did not smile here. The world didn't make sense here. He wasn't here to hold her, to make her laugh. Everything is cold.

Autumn Murder

2007-09-16T14:37:00.000-07:00

leaves implode and start their swift spiraling journey
the easy wind, an old friend, carries them up and then pulls down
crumbling into themselves they lose their lives
greens to reds, a destruction of vibrance

the bloody plactic surface hits sunlight
and all the heat they ever felt is suddenly gone
a memory in the cold chill shivering down those delicate veins
crackling beneath the weight of fear of falling

they are trembling, clinging onto something certain
but curiousity loosens their grip and they fly
dusty, dirty with nothing but the darkening day to hide their spidery skeletons
screaming a piercing cry of hallelujah to a sky powdered with purples and oranges

as they are torn apart under the pressure of oblivious steps on sidewalks

"Somehow, everything's gonna fall right into place
If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday
If only time flew like a dove
We gotta make it fly faster than I'm falling in love

This time we're not giving up
Let's make it last forever
Screaming, "Hallelujah!"
We'll make it last forever"
Paramore~"Hallelujah"

2007-07-24T14:47:00.000-07:00

He told her she looked chilly as she crossed her arms and rubbed vigorously, sweaty palms on the raised skin she has recently become aware of. He left the room. Why hadn’t he given her his jacket? So smooth and warm, she could only imagine, if it had been draped over her bare shoulders. The silver rain hung in the air like bed sheets over a child’s make-believe fort. Easy on the eyes but electric in its icy touch. She sat with her legs hanging over the windowsill, letting her smooth, small calves burn and immediately freeze as the rain sifted down. Her eyes shifted to the blackened sky. The clouds stretched out for what seemed like an eternity, twisted and bruised with purples and navy blues, letting slip the tears of anguish in which they were suffering onto the world below. Her eyes rolled down to look again at her legs, soaking now in the light but steady pulse of wet. The windowsill was like she remembered it, crackled from broken and chipping paint. It had been weathered just like she had been. The veins of the sill lengthened even further as she adjusted her weight. Her toes seemed to frown up at her as she accidentally let them hit the charred texture of the roof. Holding her feet up became a tiring chore, but the rain seemed to ease the subtle but perpetual hardship of her lower limbs. Although it had been almost a full summer, she noticed that she had not tanned much. Her legs were white and almost ghost-like contrasting with the midnight color of the shingles. Her smooth legs smiled against the sandpapery look of the shingles, like a young girls hand against an old man’s stubbly beard. She reached with a hot hand to her face, closing her eyes to her own touch. She could feel her cheeks flushing at the feel of a sudden hot to cold. If only it were his hand, like before. Eyes still sleeping happily under heavy lids, her hand slid across her lashes, long, and brittle. For a second she thought she may have sat here long enough for them to break, like tiny shards of glass upon her rosy cheeks. Her lids were heavy. When was the last time she was able to sleep well? It had been so long, she couldn’t recall. The sound of rain pitter-pattering on the rooftop lifted her lungs high up and made her breathe out loud and strong. The windowsill was the same, and her hand touched its wrinkled edge, almost whispering the moments it had witnessed them both in through those aged lines. She wished above anything else that she were back at home again. Back where she didn’t have to grow up and think about what she would have to do come autumn. She wanted to laugh frivolously and not grow older. She wanted to stay here, and fall beneath a layer of rain, invisible to everyone else. She wanted the excitement but not the actual reality of it all. She wanted to be swept off her feet again. She wanted a lot of things. Her eyes flowed back open, letting the droplets that had found a momentary stop to their journey toward the roof finally reach their destination. Something creaked behind her. He had opened the door of the room within, and stared at her, his face almost looking shocked. She was soaked, the rain had begun to run with the wind, and had hit almost every inch of her front as it dripped inside the window’s frame. The dark clouds made her still silhouette against the crazy rain outside seem like a statue, left to ponder the storm in silence. The wind whistled and howled and the curtains behind her became tangled against the radiator and old record covers fell from the top of the shelves. Her legs shivered as the rain changed its light dance into a tumultuous downpour, and without knowing, her eyes were wet with salt. She remembered the windowsill, and rooftop, and the shelves and the curtains so well, and he had forgotten her altogether. The summer rain, liquid and soft, hit her like bricks and she realized she never should have come back here at all. And as she gathered her outstretched legs close to her chest, and whirled around, facing inside, chipping the white paint even further, she was stopped. Her eyes moved from their solid view of the carpeted floor inside up toward her shoulders, and the sensation down her arms had changed. The goose-bumps faded as the warm material of his jacket sank into the curves of her shoulders, and he lifted her down as easily as he had stepped into her sight the year before.

"Strange how hard it rains now
Rows and rows of big dark clouds
When I'm holding on underneath this shroud
Rain

Its hard to know when to give up the fight
Two things you want will just never be right
Its never rained like it has to night before
Now I don't wanna beg you baby
For something maybe you could never give"
Patty Griffin~"Rain"

17

2007-07-01T15:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes its hard to move on, sometimes you find yourself able to let something you never thought you could go. I can't believe my junior year is over. It had its ups and downs, and I made it through. Its hard to place myself in the position of a senior. I don't think I've learned enough yet to be here. I don't think I've done enough yet. I'm doubtful of my ability to stay afloat once senior year hits. Socially and academically. I'm afriad that I'll be distracted too much. Or that I'll just not quite reach where I wanted to be.
Its funny. I never thought that I would make it to this summer. An entire year has gone by since I felt my age. 16 was a great year. It taught me a lot, almost too much in some ways. But I am relly going to miss it. I'm 17. And right now, it seems like too many things are hitting me all at once. So many of my close friends are going to go to college. I'm going to have to step up and really find out what I want to do with my life. Well, maybe not exactly what I want, but when you get to those family gatherings (like weddings achem..) and all you get is "where do you want to go to college? what are you looking for? what do you want to be? are you ready yet?" and you can't quite answer those questions when you kind of should be able to? its freaks me out.
i dont know overall i just feel sort of out of it. like its july 1st but i feel like its the end of august. for a long time i felt like i was missing something. like i was empty in some way. after a year of having this feeling, that hole sort of filled itself not with other things like work or school or stuff like that. it just filled. bad timing took away what i wanted. but time also mended that emptiness. and now that i've found that, i feel 10 feet tall. im scared but i'm also filled with hope and eagerness to jump into this journey of senior year. im excited to find out where i want to go. and who i want to become. moving on feels good.
its funny what a year can do. i have a feeling 17 is going to one of the greatest yet.

"To answer a question
It'll probably take more
If you're already there
Well then you probably don't know
Well we were the people
That we wanted to know
And we're the places that we wanted to go
It's hard to get hold of
And hard to let go
Always something we look for
From the day we were born
Instead we're the people that we wanted to know
And we're the places that we wanted to go
Yeah we're the places that we wanted to go
We're the places that we wanted to go"
~Modest Mouse "People As Places As People"

A New Parade of Faith and Sparks...

2007-05-10T07:59:00.000-07:00

I'm wearing my pink-ish/reddish dress. I''m sitting in the lab and no one else is here and its sad. This time right now..it is sad for the obvious reasons...seniors graduating soon, seniors off on projects, lots and lots of work i haven't done yet is a weight on my shoulders..but aside from the obvious sadness...I'm feeling pretty awesome right now.

And pretty lucky. I have found some of the most awesome people this past year and sure, it will be different when they go. Or, go back for that matter. And they will change and move on, as will I. But right here, right now? The relationships I have with them are too precious to describe. Whether it be driving down valley green to see the ducks, making FAJITAS, or maybe having a visit or two on my back porch just to talk. These people have taught me so much. Have told me so many stories. Have helped me be...me. They have shown me traditions and put their faith in me to keep them going. They have broken out dancing wit me randmly for no reason. And if someone is willing to bust a move with you in the middle of the hallway and not even care? Thats true friendship. ;)

So Manwaring just came in here to "chat" with me. I'm gonna go. Pretty much for the rest of this year. I'm living it up. I love these people, and i am going to have so much fun with them this summer. Summer Countdown: So close, and yet so far away...

"Still to come
A new parade of faith and sparks
the electric version harks
back to the day when there was no wrong"
~The New Pornographers "The Electric Version"

Fast Motion

2007-04-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

Its that time again. That time where everything seems to be travelling in slow motion, when in reality, its all going so fast. Its the time when you pray you make it through the day. Its a hectic, thrilling, magical ride we all take in these few days of performance. The show. Its funny, because this is the first spring show ive actually been in...and yet I still find myself in the mindset of a fall show. I've kept on thinking "yeah, its a sad time, but we'll have that spring show..with those intangible upperclassmen...yeah...we got time...". My mind is obviously wrong. This is the spring show. And I am in it. There isn't anymore "its not my time" left...I'm about to perform tonight. For real.

Hannah's blow drying her hair in the other room so she can look sexy tonight. So I'm going to make this short. Players this year has been an amazing ride. FRom all the highs to all the lows, we have all made it through. I am so proud of everyone on stage, backstage, and everywhere in between. We've made it.
Tonight...I KNOW. We will Make It Sparkle. Make It Shine. And pshh, we'll definitely Give 'Em Hell. I love you guys.

"Sometimes I get to feelin
I was back in the old days - long ago
When we were kids when we were young
Thing seemed so perfect - you know
The days were endless we were crazy we were young
The sun was always shinin - we just lived for fun"
Queen "These Are the Days of Our Lives"

Let us not talk falsely now...

2007-03-03T10:39:00.000-08:00

my arms swing back and forth in a frivolous motion
heat seeps into the creases of my palm, your nervous
"i know how to cross the street!"
i can do it you know, you know i can!

back and forth, there's no cars
youth is all over my polished face, sunburned
sticky with suntan lotion and confused grains of sand
my cheeks are warm and his hat is covering my eyes

together we cross the bridge of machines
skipping i am leading him, a little quicker than his tired legs can go
pulling him across the ashvault river, drowning in the suns rays
im sweating and he starts to laugh at my beaming smile

"But you and I we've been through that
And this is not our fate
So let us not talk falsely now
The hours getting late"
~Jimi Hendrix "All Along the Watchtower"

Electrics

2007-02-27T09:08:00.000-08:00

street cars speed by and this mystical imagery becomes all too electric
bright yellow lights cloud the sky with imperfect randrops falling on my eyelashes

perspectives change with each sidewalk crack i tip toe over
maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe, uh oh oh no
so what if its not like before, so what
i think a little change may do me good

so i walk in this misty morning air across the concrete
pointing my toes and avoiding the eyes of serious streetlamps
i wonder what it would be like if the sky broke open
and spilled all of this rain everywhere, flooding this road. would i float?

my shoes are all wet and splishsploshing sends shivers up my spine
i wish the cold would turn to easy, spring air
everything always seems to brighter then
im shivering, shivering, shivering now.

electric lights lead the way home

"A sudden emptiness seemed to flow now from the windows and the great doors, endowing with complete isoaltion the figure of the host, who stood on the porch, his hand up in a formal gesture of farewell."
~The Great Gatsby

Looking back...

2006-12-21T08:42:00.000-08:00

There are some days where I really question where I'm going or who I am becoming. I sit and think back to when I was in middle school. I was a HUGE bookworm, really awkward, and it seemed like I would be following in the whole music area of school life. Orchestra and whatnot. Looking back, I could have. I could have tried harder to make it work. But highschool caught me off guard. There were so many places to be, so many new things to try. And Art became more imporatnt, and my voice spoke louder than my fingers on piano keys. I loved singing more.
You know when I was in the like 8th grade I must have gone through 40 different attempts at compositions on the piano? Did you know I played the entire shows music for the Opperetta? And I look back, and it makes me upset. I feel like I could have kept with it and god, i tried. Up until sophmore year I tried! Piano lessons for 9 years? It just wasn't as fun to me anymore. Other things in life took over and I couldn't keep up with the things that were expected of me. But its days like this where all of my family is out and the piano is just sitting there, out of tune, with old music i randomly pulled out sitting on it. I want to just sit and play,...
but my fingers can't remember how. They don't remember the rhythm and I can't keep the beat. This is really annoying and everytime I end up giving up.
Ugh, I don't know why I'm venting about this particular thing but it just kills me how I got so caught UP in highschool and drama and friendships and guys and wanting something i couldn't have and fixing everything and subjects i hated and days went by, flew by, time ticked too fast and here i am!
Right here.
And I am realizing that i dropped that dream. Piano is more of a hobby than a future. Goddamit. It makes my mind whirl and I lose my breath. My freshmen and sophmore years seems to blend with each other with the exception of players. Thats the only thing I can put into perspective and I rememeber myself and how I was all throughout.
But back to the original thought. Sometimes I question where I'm going or who I am becoming. God, it seems like I would never reach the point where I would have to think about this. But its now that I may have found my answer.

I love teaching. Children are where my heart really lies. Kids are who I love most and relate to better. I suck around adults and adult conversation. I feel ilke I'm being fake about everything I say. I can't just be myself. Its with kids where I can be a HUGE dork and it wouldn't matter. Kids love to learn. And I love to teach them. I'm thinking, this whole teaching thing? Wouldn't be that bad. I love doing it.

I love English. That bookworm never really left me. If I had the time? I would raid a library and read until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. But I don't ever have time. Its basically in class where I thrive and love to soak up just about everything that Mr.Martin has said. And I have had the greatest teachers. Mr.Martin, Ms.Hill, Ms.Allen, Mrs. Brownell. And it was Mrs.Brownell that really taught me what English was and how amazing it is to write. Especially poems. She is a master at that. I think I still have one of hers she gave me. God, I miss her.

I love Art. There's really no other way to explain this one. Its one of those things where you can just throw yourself into and let your mind explode in strokes. With the movement of your vision. I have always loved art. And sure, maybe I'm not the best in the world, but I would love to pursue it. It is an amazing thing.

There. I had to get that out there. I've been goofing off and focusing on things that I have no interest in so much these past few weeks, that writing about the things you actually love makes you fall in love with them even more.

"Oh my friends I've
Begun to worry right
Where I should be grateful
I should be satisfied

Oh my heart I
Would clap and dance in place
With my friends I have so
Much pleasure to embrace"
~Sufjan Stevens "Sister Winter"

Wishing for a Cold Winter

2006-12-13T18:08:00.000-08:00

Wishing for a cold winter says the world
Seemingly too cold for scarves and normal life to keep its pace
Birds leave their fluted tunes to the sweeping winds
burning my face dry

Hands are numb and I can't see past this shower of white
Locked outside of feeling
Where is your hand to feel?

In my dreams of black and white it was quiet
the screaming of the drifting snow static lying on the ground
slowed down by my open mouth and closed eyes melting the flakes away
skin burning, skin burning the faster i go

running and catching air, taking my breathe away
its escaping my lungs faster then surrounding clouds trembling with opportunity
and held back by minutes holding us with fearful eyes
that tear up and i can not look up

streaming tears of hope and joy now fall soft upon the fire
lemon drops and gum drops floating down
lights shine in calming forms of trees, snowflakes, and holiday cheer
colors that change the pale snow to a soothing view

i am awake in a world of fast paced shoppers and children bundled up tight
falling asleep in the back of the car off to the next sale
presents and money and all the newest things
and in the distance, i hear the children caroling

after its all taken care of and it is christmas night
i look out my window, hoping to catch him in flight

when all the world is finished their dance, everythings wrapped
i fall asleep easy and wake as reindeers prance, on my roof
icicle lights twinkle in the moonlit sky
and with a ho ho ho he hops in his sleigh and flys, away

my dreams are old-fashioned, of snowfall and weather
of sledding and being too young to know the truth
a snow angel i make as i chuckle and think
'tis a holiday of love, simple so simple

wishing for a cold winter says the world
the cold washes over and here it comes

"Christmas time is here,
happiness and cheer,
fun for all
that children call
their favorite time of year.

Snowflakes in the air,
carols everywhere,
olden times
and ancient rhymes
and love and dreams to share.

Sleigh bells in the air;
beauty every where;
yuletide
by the fireside
and joyful memories there."
A Charlie Brown Christmas "Christmas Time Is Here"

The Wild Wooders are on the Prowl...

2006-12-07T09:18:00.000-08:00

Well here it is everyone. Opening night...

As exciting as this is, it seems impossible. We seem to have been counting down the days for so long that the fact that are none left is awkward. Sudden. This year has been filled with so many new experiences, friendships, relationships, and chances for excellent and new beginnings. We have been planning, sketching, drawing up, tearing down and rebuilding, screwing, yelling, areguing, organizing, cleaning, solving problems, moving, talking, projecting, breathing......this play.
We have been doing this for so long, that now that it is the day that we actually get to perform it? Its unbelievable. To use that setting, to have all these people who I come to get so much closer to become animals, to actually get to interact with the audience?! I am too excited for words. Words are meaningless when it come to this point. Hell week is a spectacular event in my eyes. Every single one has been an adventure unto itself. From being the scared freshmen hanging back until someone was stripping right in from of me for Debra, climbing the trailers and watching wallball, blasting music from peoples cars, a capella, hilltone, flashing cameras, costumes, and coke bottles. The reunion with the Alums of Players is going to be fantastic. I am so excited to see their faces and see how much they ave grown and changed in college.
Also, after the retirement of VR from Players, Ellie and I finally get our chance to shine in the make-up department. WE have been practicing for so long and now we get to show off our talents!

And how can I write a pre-opening night blog without the mention of Mrs.Walker. D.Walk.
After VR and Smith left, I was unsure how Mrs.Walkers entrance into Players would be taken from everyone, including myself. Sure, she was a lovely and cute woman but i had no clue as to what her intentions were for this Players family an how she would effect everyone in the cast and crew.
Turns out..
...her effect on Players was better than I ever could have hoped. She has brought the board so much closer to one another and has made this collection of people who walk through the doors of Players a family. The most wonderful family I could have ever hoped for. These people truely inspire me, and I hope in some way I can inspire them. I love you all and god luck tonight. With all my heart, Make It Sparkle, Make It Shine, and Give 'Em Hell!

"Making love is quite an art
What you require
Is the proper squire
To fire your heart
And if you say
That one fine day
You'll let me come to call
We'll have a ball
'Cause you're sensational, sensational
That's all, that's all, that's all"
GABE "You're Sensational" (Yaaaay elliieee for giving me this wonderful music quote...good luck everyone!)

A sack of potatoes, a lettuce, six eggs....

2006-11-28T18:06:00.000-08:00

I realize that it is now that I should be writing my English essay, typing up my Biology current event, and translating Latin. But alas, here I am continuing my love affair with my blog.

Anyway, this is a weird time for me. I'm right in the gloriously stressful time when I am doing Volleyball, Players, and too much work. In the delightful Hannah voice "yaaaaayyyyyy schooool". You can only imagine how that would sound.
Ughh guys, I don't have the energy to write a formal blog entry and its gonna be short and sweet this time but I felt the need to update SOMETHING before I go into Players blogging mode. So here it goes.

The List of Things I Love:
Christmas lights
a brisk chill and a warm winter coat
mittens
chapstick
two pairs of socks
ellies "mehhhh" sound
the poster
walking up to CHA
the awkward conversations from moe while walking up to CHA
The Wind in the Willows
"the accent"
using many voices for a prolonged period of time (el bravo on the austrailian)
the mousepad in the lab that we all collectively graffitied? graffitie? you know
watermelon trident gum cuz im kind of an addict
deer park waterbottles
iz printing sufan on the good paper, and her reaction to it
hannahs cackle
stretching on the gross wrestling mats and playing games
THE MAKE-UP CALL TIMES LIST!
the sims
AIM
FACEBOOK
my pictures from italy that i just found in my room from the throwaway camera
vballin
working extra hard and feeling smart
iTunes
germantown avenue in december
the starbucks coffee holders
mr.martin
winter break....uhhh i mean what?
WAWA hoagies
not..being..broke...?
flirting flirting flirting and more flirting
sleeping in the comfy chairs
blueberry muffins
wearing the awkwardly pink fleece
visiting muhlenberg
being single

yeah. thats right i said it. ive kind of given up for now.
i am just being for now without the worry of guys.
its done for now. donedone.
whatever happens, happens.
yeah. im too tired.

blahhhhhh

"I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking
These days, these days.
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to.

I've stopped my rambling,
I don't do too much gambling
These days, these days.
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my ways
And I wonder if I'll see another highway"
~Nico "These Days" <---"yaaaayyy music club"

A Day of Thanks...

2006-11-23T10:52:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving. Thanks. Giving. Giving. Thanks. A Giving of Thanks.
In short, this is the time of year where everyone gathers their families together from states and places far away, the kids come home from college, the turkey makes it grand appearance, and everyone gets excited for food. But after all the food has been prepared and all the plans have been made, outfits are picked out, and everyone catches up on how life has been while they have been apart, when everyone gathers around the table and the room quiets down, it comes down to family. Family. Whether you have a small family or a large family, whether your distant and almost never see each other, have had differences in the past or even fights, you look across that table and find it in your heart to thank them for being there. Thank them for being with you. Thank them for sharing a meal with you. The simplicity of them being in your lives is a blessing.

This Thanksgiving for me is especially special. This year, so many of my cousins are getting married that I can’t even keep count. So many of them are coming back from colleges far, far away (meaning Boston haha), and rejoining us with new stories and memories to share. I have gotten to know them better through the joys of IMing and FACEBOOKING, yes. That’s right, I said it! And also, because the years have gone by and beloved grandparents are getting older, and I am realizing now that each one of these holidays that I share with them is so much more important. The time spent with them, small talk and stories they tell each year that ALWAYS come up, the kisses goodbye… mean so much more to me now. I’m also older now, and well, okay I still have to sit at the kiddie table, but it’s a pastime. It’s a given. It’s a tradition. And it is this year that I truly appreciate it.
I love Thanksgiving. And, not only because of the glorious food, but because of my great family and friends. I am very thankful to have you all in my life.

"I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
Yeah. You said to me quietly on the stairs.
You said?
Hey, you good ones.
Hey, you good ones.

To make a mountain of your life
Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that told me... "
~Nada Surf "Always Love"

Past A Day...

2006-11-16T17:47:00.000-08:00

Don't say you’re sorry, no, not today
For everything you did wrong, and everything you did right
For showing me what it’s like to feel something
So deep that it can actually hurt you past a day

Past so many days, in fact, that it’s cruel
Your secret trick that has captured the eyes of so many
And even after you've been found out
Even after you've gone, its still marveled over

Don't say you’re sorry, no, not ever
I will never accept it, and I will always accept it
You've done wrong and to dwell is to linger
And to linger is to remember the empty shell of what you were

So keep on living, show off the charm and be yourself
I won't say remember me when you’re out of luck and alone
I don't need it; I don't want it, because for too long I have.
Sure, call me when you're older and grown up, I dare you,

Stutter and shake
Twist the cord, counting the spirals all the way down, and be nervous
You should be
For you will always be that shy boy behind the lens

"This is what I brought you, this you can keep.
This is what I brought, you may forget me.
I promise to depart just promise one thing.
Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep"
~A.F.I "Prelude 12/21"

"And times when you're all alone all you do is think"...

2006-11-04T12:38:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling when you feel like you've found your place? When you've wanted to be a part of something for so long and then you finally fit? Well, I had this really weird feeling today like, wow. I'm so oddly old. In the relm of highschool I mean. I mean I'm only a junior, duh, but today I'm looking around at all of the writing all around the greenroom and I had flashback to when I was a freshmen feeling so out of the loop. I wanted to a part of this thing called "Players", and I wanted to watch all of the cooler upperclassmen perform at any concert they were in. Now I see all these freshmen, so eager to learn about Players and it makes me feel so good. I remember when I didn't know any of the drama of the Seniors and when I felt amazing just to be in a room with them. When Ellie came up to me and told me the magic of Players and all of the traditions. It was a great feeling to have made it there. I would go to the shows when I was a youngen in middle school and I would see the plays and Cabaret. I would always walk out of each performance wanting to be there. Wanting to be a part of it. In any way I COULD! Now, today, I was at set crew and I felt so proud of being a part of this family. This Players family. This family who loves to perform. I'm reaching a point where I feel like I am being all I can be for Players. For Cabaret and how far singing will go in highschool. And I'm also so excited for going to the Hoo-Ha! I feel so cool ,you have no idea. My first one evvverrr. I love all of these people that I am going to be performing with and I hope I can help make it as memorable as I can. I hope Cabaret goes smoothly and everything comes together. I can't wait.

"Im a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride
Im wanted dead or alive
Wanted dead or alive

Sometimes I sleep, sometimes its not for days
And the people I meet always go their separate ways
Sometimes you tell the day
By the bottle that you drink
And times when youre all alone all you do is think"
~Bon Jovi "Wanted Dead or Alive"

"Don't mcok my artistic talents! Its a Jack-O-Apple!

2006-10-31T17:53:00.000-08:00

Too many poems. I've been wrapping up everything I shuld blantantly say in poems. Poems you have to look deep into and in between to see what i really mean. So here it goes, in simple words: Junior Year, to me, is seeming like the slowest race I could ever run. Each day is like a hurdle or an unexpected pothole that I have to trip over in order to keep up. I can't fall. I can't ever fall or I'll miss something. Or I won't amount up to something. These hurdles, these days? Each day seems like it goes on for miles. Miles that I can't keep up with. Walking up and down those halls, those same familiar halls to those same familiar classes is daunting. The only ones I love are across the intersection and up the stairs. Stairs I must trudge up in order to get closer to that ending ribbon. English and Chambers. At the beginning of Chambers, gonna be honest, I thought like I didn't know what the HELL i was doing, that I didn't have enough experience, and that I was making a fool our of myself.. I was very scared each time I had to sing. And it showed. My voice was shaky and quiet. But now, though still shaky sometimes, I have fallen in love with it. I love walking over there to sing my heart out and laugh with those people. It is an amaing experience to be able to be musical with them. And English. Lets just say, that Mr.Martin is a remarkable teacher. I don;t know how he does it, whether its his dry humor, his interactive classes, his lighter load of homework and greater load of thinking, or the fact that today we watched BUFFY and it connected to EXACTLY what he were learning philosophically in earlire classes, but that class is beautiful. I walk in there everyday looking for a new experience, and new adventure, and I never leave disappointed. This class keeps on bringing me closer to the notion or what I would love to pursue in college. I know. I BROUGHT IT UP AND I AM SORRY. College.
When I was taking the PSATs, and it gave the little box that asked which college major you wish to follow? I was like. Shit. I have no idea. At first I put "English Literature". Then I erased it and put 999. Undecided. I wish to pursue many things in college, whether they are related to art, english, music, children, teaching. I'm narrowing it down, slowly but surely.

Things are getting better. The drama is dying down. I'm trying my hardest to find a balance. I'm getting there. I hope.

"Waiting on an angel
one to carry me home
hope you come to see me soon
cause I don't want to go alone"
~Ben Harper "Waiting On An Angel"

And the World Was Like A Whisper

2006-10-05T19:04:00.000-07:00

Look up, he shouted breathlessly
her flowing dress scattered all around his weakened body, just look up.
she stared at his face. his big brown eyes welled up with the tears he fought to lose.
with the slowest motion, she tilted her chin to the wind. her teardrops flew into its chill,
sending shivers down her spine and all across her bare arms.
the night was gasping for air. the trees shuttering, leaves flying with the current, and grass tickling her ankles.
she heard it all with hollowed hears , and the roar was building.
the ocean's wrath crashed upon the cliff. the meadow swallowed up by the shadow of the storm cloud. alooming catastrophe of nature.
she looked up. the sky was opening. the darkness let shine the light of heaven. her eyes closed. they were never open, not until now. his hand grabbing her emerald velvet evening gown. something warm, something close.
the wind made it hard to breathe. but her warmth and her calming shadow was a shield. the black sky exploded. crackles of white dust and silver lightening piercing the heart of the meadow. the grass clung to them like his fingers to her dress. ruffling in his palm.
not yet, not yet, she cried as her body held fast to his shaken form.
and at her words, the sky closed up.
the heavens ceased their godly destruction and the grass stood still and silent, the world was like a whisper.
the ocean falling back from the high cliff and his hand freeing her velvet.

her words. they ended the story. her confusing story. he read it in earnest and came out of its fog in awe, as she'd hoped. he looked up.
you like it?, she whispered
and his kiss was all she needed to know.

"When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down"
~The Fray "Look After You"

If Only

2006-09-20T18:37:00.000-07:00

If only time could disappear
and the fragments of truth could come out of the broken clocks
tick tocking in distortion and bleeding wires and gears
crying their metal tears, scratching their shiny faces

If only death could die
and he could come back to life, and live it out
see his grandchildren, read them stories, of his life in times not so easy
his photographs not fading but having a catch with his son, feeling proud

If only truth could be always
Everyone honest and lying is nothing but fear in the eyes of the world
No one lies and no one has the chance to steal away a future
Shifty eyes and nervous, shaking hands wouldn't be the only clues

If only things were small and simple, and obvious and understood
No being trapped, clouded with questions in college-ruled lines
Just admitting and feeling, the strength to be able to
The ability to follow through and live on instinct without second guessing

"The butterflies are passive aggressive and put their problems on the shelf but they're beautiful
He'll realize the only thing thats real are the kids that kid themselves and the demise of the beautiful
What is beautiful?

What can't stay goes away

It starts stopping when it stops stopping"
~Ben Kweller "In Other Words"

Nightmare

2006-09-12T16:51:00.000-07:00

Daylight hides the terror of the night
Right behind her lurks the monster
Not frightful, not harmless
Feels it behind her always, but when she turns
nothing is there and safety found

She's forgetful, and its good
Until its sudden appearance in silvery memories takes away her breath
and the dust drifts down off ancient wheels
and a broken history circles around in her head

she slouches and hides her eyes
colors with crayons and distractions make her feel at ease
its stops the turning
and soon enough the breeze slows

tucked in and she lies still
silence fills her ears and she can hear it
the closet door shakes and hums
her drawing flys off the table as the door swings
and she runs in place

silver swirling all along her eyelashes, fluttering with panic
holding her down with fear and distress
never leaving her alone, making her remember, feeling it all again
and she lies paralyzed in dreaming

this monster, creeping its way into her bed
what can be done to make it disappear
ignorance is only a temporary safehouse
and she twists and turns until the morning

"And this flood, this flood is slowly rising up, swallowing the ground
Beneath, my feet. Tell me how anybody thinks under this condition so
I'll swim, I'll swim as the water rises up sun is sinking down and now
All I can see are the planets in a row suggesting it's best that I
Slow down this nights a perfect shade of

Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room while I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning and burning down

Dark blue, dark blue
Have you ever been alone in a crowded room while I'm here with you
I said the world could be burning dark blue"
~Jack's Mannequin "Dark Blue"

Here Goes...

2006-09-03T15:45:00.000-07:00

So as I sit here looking at the computer screen I'm thinking about how far I've come. I've made it through the frivoulous and life building moments of lower school, the fun and awkward years of middle school, and now I'm right in the middle of high school. Which starts in ONE DAY. ::insert cry of agony here:: This summer was glorious. There's really no other way to say it. And its finally sunk in that its over. I'm getting out my uniform and cleaning out my backpack which is filled with all kinds of interesting stuff. I'm getting all my affairs in order with my schedule and my advisor called to check up on how my summer was and to congradulate me on the success of the Italy trip (apparently pictures were shown). I don't really have one particular emotion as to how it will go. Junior year. I am so incredibly excited for another year with friends and classes that I really am happy to be in and teachers that I have. But at the same time, im worried. And nervous. And being that way before school is how I always get. I just get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It may be that or it may be the effect of my sleep depervation and lack of breakfast. It was always a big deal like before middle school started and freshmen year started, it just always comes back. I'm also feeling kind of weird cuz im not going to have the people I have come to call and see everyday be with me. I'll have my girls and some other kids but I'm gonna miss those college kids! I'm so proud of them all and how well they're doing but still, its gonna take some getting used to. I dunno, It'll be fine as soon as i start getting back into the norm and will have work taking up like every aspect of my life! But this is just the time where I watch the sun go down and the breeze starts up and I think to myself "wow, here goes...". It'll be fine. I have no expectations because I realized from this summer that you should just let things happen and not think too much about it. So here I go. No expectations, ready to work, and full of excitement! Junior year, here I come!

"I remember when the days were long
and the nights when the living room was on the lawn.
Constant quarreling the childish fits
and our clothes in a pile on the ottoman.
All the slander and double speak were only foolish attempts
to show you did not mean,
anything but the blatant proof was your lips touching mine in the photobooth.

And as the summers ending the cold air rush your hard heart away.
You were so condescending,
and this is all that's left
scraping paper to document.
I've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on."
~Death Cab For Cutie "Photobooth"

This Storm

2006-08-29T13:59:00.001-07:00

she stares out her window
the rain comes down in sheets
the trees remain still
and the sky crashes in agony

she covers her eyes and trys not to hear
but they were all right
they knew the rain would fall and blend with her tears
the leaves shiver in the cold

the room shakes around her
before she knows it the rain has made its way inside
flooding in and she can't breathe
drowning as the pounding sky breaks down and all around

she struggles to tread the water and implodes
no sight, no feeling
not right now
and dew drops ctach on the screen and inbetween the glass

she wishes she could fly, surrounded by the dark and the pressure
and here comes the wind
pulsing rain stings her face and eyelashes fall
makes a wish she will survive this storm

and after all this pain and hurt
light.
puddles and pools of dreams and stories
evaporating into the air
and she can breathe again, lungs growing stronger with each step

and the cool breeze opens her tired eyes
light shining and reflecting off the drops left on her peaceful face
on her hand, under her chin
watching gray turn to blue and world opens up again
right outside her window

"We are the only ones who feel it
Tonight we drink, tonight we dance with all the last ones who can hear it
We're calling in whispers, we're tired of waiting
We'll take what we want and leave, leave what we know behind"
~Dashboard Confessional "Heaven Here"

Goodbye To A Friend

2006-08-23T12:26:00.000-07:00

Goodbye, my friend
keep me close in your heart and mind
and do not let me go
our time is over and life charges on

close this summer with love and good wishes
tears and endings
hugs and kisses

remember when we ran in sprinklers
played games, watches movies
on long afternoons
and fell for young love

breathe in this air, dust and sand
call my name out, hold my hand
tell me it will all be alright

promise me, someday when I'm lonely
you'll come back here, be my friend
and sing until our lungs burst with excitement

goodbye, my friend
think of me, through this distance
let the tide go out and routine sink back in

early mornings come and change
sun sets early and leaves arrange themselves
on sidewalks and I
walk beside strangers

enjoy your adventures and when you return
tell me stories, help me learn
about your new life

goodbye, my friend
with one last wave
teardrops rolling and I smile just like always
as you drive away
I send all my love

pack that away
and when your there, I hope you find it
with a promise that the summer will come back again
and i will be waiting with open arms

"How does it feel to know you never have to be alone
When you get home
There must be someplace here that only you and I could go
So I can show you how i
Dream away everyday
Try so hard to disregard
The rhythm of the rain that drops
And coincides with the beating of my heart

I’ll never leave you behind
Or treat you unkind
I know you understand
And with a tear in my eye
Give me the sweetest goodbye
That I ever did receive"
~Maroon 5 "Sweetest Goodbye"

A Bittersweet summer, A Goodbye, A Trip, and A Change...

2006-06-25T19:31:00.000-07:00

For the past week I have been on family vacation in Long Beach Island and, as many of you well know, it was hell. Majorly due to the fact that the week before had to have have been one of the most amazing times i've had all year. Getting to know so many new people and bond with old friends even more made that week so special. And also, some other things happened. I won't explain because basically due to my lack of being able to get over things, everyone already knows what I'm talking about. That made the week away even more difficult to stand. The withdrawl had to have been one of the most scary and terrible things i've ever had to deal with this year. I had to call someone everyday in order to keep my sanity. You may think that this is a girl who is incredibly needy and just couldn't stand her parents, but it goes way beyond the normal slow suffocation of tense silences.
I learned something so very important there in my iscolation:
I needed my friends. They are the ones who help me cope. They are the ones who comfort me and listen to me vent but also tell me point blank that i need to shut up. They are the ones who keep me company till the wee hours of the morning and the ones who make me calm. They are the ones who get distracted right along with me but still come into a hug at the right time. They are the ones who leave, yet keep in touch despite no reception and cop cars on their tail. They are the ones who give me lists of other things to think about to get my mind off of dying dreams and fantasies. They are the ones who love me through my bitching and my tears. They are ones who text me like its their job. They are the ones who drive me around everywhere. They are ones who truely care about me.
And being away from them for only a week made me see how imporant they really are to me and my ability to keep sane.
And although many of them are leaving, and some have already left, i don't believe for the second that their are really gone. They will always be with me. Though it may seem bittersweet, all of the memories while they were with me will replay over and over again until i can't even stand it! They have taught me so many things that I now know will be useful in my journey through highschool and beyond. Even though they're are going off on their own journeys and lives and adventures, they will always be talking with me about nothing, singing with me, holding my hand, spooning with me, lending a shoulder to cry on when i can't stop the tears, laughing with me, remembering with me, planning with me. And best of all, loving me. I will miss them, sure, who wouldn't!? This isn't something like "okay, im ready to just let them leave and take my rightful place in the ranks". This is my goodbye. And while they are still here, though it may be not for long, i will spend as much time i possibly can with them. Whether it be almost naked in a shower, watching a movie, eating a cake, driving at midnight, sleeping next to, dancing with, or simply just BEING with. I love you all, guys. And just know, that you are all amazing in your own ways and I love you for it. So much.
So now I'm off to Italy. One more day. Its funny how i've wanted this for so long and now its fially happening. When i was closer to different people. When the times weren't as great. When i wasn't great myself. It seems bittersweet, yet again, going off with people i love but leaving so many i love as well. I'm only gone for 9 days, but this time i won't be able to call when i'm scared and too deep in my own thoughts. ::insert freaking out look and scream here:: Cuz we all know how I get (uhhh yeah), but think i'll make it and this trip wil make me stronger in a lot of ways. So tomorrow i will start the goodbye process AGAIN...and prepare for the trip of a lifetime. I love you all and don't miss me too much when im gone :) Ciao.

"And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"
~Goo Goo Dolls "Iris"

Anaphora

2006-06-02T13:51:00.000-07:00

Head between his knees, spinning and spinning
Again and again the same storybook story again
killing the moment, murdering the sweet silence
hopes fill rifles let loose too often

A fawn in the middle of a battlefield
in the center of reconstruction
taken away and handled with care
the most beautiful thing he's seen in years

too much too soon
smothered, held too close
breath fades away like the signal of his car radio
and the quiet closes her eyes

never to wake, she is placed back on the field
another casualty lying still and forever
drives away and music fills the hot air
down the road, ignoring the construction sign

Flipping, tumbling, rolling
Safety belt catches his heart and eyes snap open
A fawn leaps away, amnesia and no regret
Head between his knees, spinning and spinning

"I need you to trust who I’m gonna be
And in everything I’m going to do
Cause I’m not afraid of what I don’t know
For understanding is all that I earn
But what is for sure is I’m going to go
I’m going to live and I’m going to learn"
~Hoobastank "Right Before Your Eyes"

Careful Colors

2006-05-29T14:10:00.000-07:00

She watches careful colors levitate around the room
Blue and pink all at once,
smiling at the pale sunlight filtering in through her window
Going sky high in hopes to catch an early tomorrow
Fragile spheres floating until wind blows them down

Creates instant peace for the troubled mind
And trouble comes more and more to her
The illusion of color and no more chaos
erases her fears for a little while

And he would follow her until tomorrow
he would help her up from falling
kiss her love back forever and forever
reminding her of that instant
promisng her yesterdays

The colors float away
her troubles float away
the birds sing a new tune
and she can wake up ready
for vibrant beginnings again

"Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle,
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more."
~Shakespeare "Macbeth" (Act 5, Scene 5)

Lymrics?...(wanna bet i spelled that wrong?)...

2006-05-23T17:39:00.000-07:00

There once was a boy named Manwaring
He thought himself incredibly daring
He asked out a girl, she turned with a swirl
And ran off inaudibly swearing

There once was a girl names Ellie
She decided to run her own deli
She put in a roast, it ended up toast
And the place was terribly smelly

There once was a girl named Hannah
one day she used self-tannah
She turned out brown, her face was a frown
And she consoled herself with a banana

There was once a girl named Iz
She went to school for a quiz
Went for coffee in boat, don't mean to gloat
but she looks pretty nice with liz

There once was a girl named vick
she caught on incredibly quick
she was a nerd, no one thought she heard
but the name started to stick

That day at coffee was great, and this is my way of paying tribute...

"All the girls in the bathroom talkin
who they gonna take to the Sadie Hawkins
My ears are burnin but I kept on walkin
smile on my face and an air guitar rockin

The Sadie Hawkins Dance
in my khaki pants
There's nothin better
oh oh oh
The girls ask the guys
it's always a surprise
There's nothin better
baby do you like my sweater?"
~Relient K "Sadie Hawkins Dance"

spaces.

2006-05-04T18:18:00.000-07:00

I have spent this week thinking about what to say. Trying to say something as meaningful in the beginning, but for the end. Its the end even before the end it feels to me. The halls are so empty now. No more loud seniors talking away about parties on the weekend, no idiotic guys walking around. well, i take that back, no SENIOR idiotic guys walking around. no last minute paper writing in the computer lab by basically all of them at 3rd. the art cave seems so barren. i would always walk by and there would be ben, feathery red locks and all, on that computer. paul right behind him typing whatever and sky just sitting. just sitting. just being there. familiar faces. i didn't even really know those guys until a little bit ago. it just feels like i've missed a great opportunity to know these people, and they're already gone. and there's such a space. GOD a space that needs filling like i can't even believe. its just so quiet. too quiet. it freaks me out. i miss everyone. even though, i didn't even know them well at all, i miss them.
i miss the magic. and players. i've been trying to figure out something great and inspiring to say, but im left with no words. just this last play really, just this last WEEK really, i started to see the seniors for who they really were. not just "seniors", but actually crazy, funny people who i would have loved to get to know better, have another year with. but im left with spaces. im left with endings and goodbyes. god, i hate goodbyes. my speech to mr.vr on sunday was a goodbye, and that was for ONE person who meant so much to me who i will still see. i was so broken up, so on display for everyone. to let their emotions flow from my own. and there are so many people who are leaving. i can't even describe the hurt and ache i feel.
i keep on trying to tell myself it will all be fine, but it only works for a day or two and then im left with my own thoughts again. the memories are so in the front of my mind that its all i think about. what has already been. i just need someone to hold me and just let me sob and let it all out. i can't go through all this change myself. but i always end up feeling like things have been taken away too soon. i always am left with spaces that need to be filled.

"She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My Fake Plastic Love.
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And It Wears Me Out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could BE who you wanted
If I could BE who you wanted,
All the time, all the time, ohhh... ohh..."
~Radiohead "Fake Plastic Trees"

Get In the car

2006-04-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

the ride of my life is set out right before me, yet i can't bring myself to get in the car and let it go. I don't know what is going on up in my head, but there is just something holding me back. Something that is keeping me from just living in the moment. I always end up bringing up old, lived, done, memories that should be used when they really actually matter, but lately they've just been popping up in my head. When I pass the middle school girls all walking right beside each other singing some obnoxious song together abnd laughing right then, I know that they will remember it, and move on. There's a huge part, right behind my heart, that feels like its being tightened whenever I even think of something new and changing. I want to be right in that girls shoes making the memories, not the girl who watches and feels like something is missing or something has not been lived long enough. i have an enormous Peter Pan complex. which is frequently biting me in the ass. I know live is meant to be lived. You learn, you know, you keep on truckin down that highway of great moments and terrible times. I think its this whole year that has been making me feel this way.
I started working at afterschool with all the little kids, and I keep on picturing myself in their shoes. Doing silly things, running without a care in the world, not wanting to be tugged out of their infinity by a waiting parent. Its funny, because I once used to be the crazy little kid who everyone watched after, and now the roles are switched. I'm actually the one watching.
Also. the enviornment that i have been used to for like, ALL of my life is changing. Its not even changing, its been erased. the old uperschool complete with faded carpet, little hideaways, and familiar people are gone. whited out and built over. not a shread left except for in pictures. i find myself forgetting what everything used to look like. now everything here, in the world, is all technological. technonlogy. its a joke. i mean god bless the iPod and all this new stuff, but its not right. i needed to feel comfotable and find my place back in the place that no longer exists. thats what i always wanted. thats what i aspired for. but things do change, and at some point im gonna have to fucking face it. im not ready, but I HAVE TO!!....i need something familiar and the only people that keep me able to remember, truely, the only people that do this are my father and isabel. its bring me right back there and it is then when i feel safe again. i feel like what should be.
well, tonight is the beginning of the end of an era. the first performance. i hate the changes that are going to happen. i REALLY do, but I am going to live up these moments like no one can even imagine. let the ride begin.
"Empty spaces - what are we living for
Abandoned places - I guess we know the score
On and on, does anybody know what we are looking for...
Another hero, another mindless crime
Behind the curtain, in the pantomime
Hold the line, does anybody want to take it anymore
The show must go on"
~Queen "Show must Go On"

Hit

2006-04-14T14:25:00.000-07:00

Hits broken images on her way down to an open mind
Had to be thrown out to realize her mistakes
Can’t she see why she is not normal?

Shattered stereo fills her ears with mixed messages
What will it take to wake her up from reality
A kiss from prince charming, or a friend

Oh, I can not carry all of this worry myself
I volunteer to take it all, only
Where did everyone else hearing my cries go?

Her fate is closing in
When will she turn around and find her way back
Seconds pass and I’m losing her, every one

"You get me everytime--Why dya have to be so cute?

It's impossible to ignore you

Must you make me laugh so much

Its bad enough we get along so well

Say goodnight and go"

~Imogen Heap"Goodnight and Go"

A Wintry Battle

2006-03-31T14:14:00.000-08:00

Birds fly over my head as my legs turn to ice
the wind blows cold over her wings
the grass hides under white blankets, dead twings, and frozen toys
lost in a wintry battle

he does not come out of the house
I look at empty porches and scattered trash cans
the birds fly solemnly on with no sleep, twinkling against gray towers and beyond
dying birds fill the sky with song

sacrificing warmth together for our hopes
Spring is coming...

"Essential yet appealed

Carry all your thoughts, across an open field

When the flowers gaze at you

they're not the only ones who cry when they see you

You said you don't know me, and you don’t even care

ooo yea

And she said you don't know me, and you don't wear my

chains

ooo yea"

~Augustana"Boston"(<---NEW BAND!! I LOVE THEM!!!)

half-frozen waffles, socks, and meaning

2006-03-25T07:29:00.000-08:00

As I eat my half-frozen waffle this morning, I realize that all I have been writing in my blogs lately are too intense poems. To get myself out of this intense streak..here is just a simple list of things that I love. ouch my ear just popped. i hate when that happens
All the things i love:
my familia
my friends
laughing
um. okay those are a given...here are some things you may not know that i love:
1.my walkman..pshh im so old school
2.the arrangement of hawaiian leis i have in my room
3.the smell of the coffee shop
4.at the end of the year, looking at all the random papers i have collected in the top shelf of my locker over the school year
5.making a kissy face, even though I may look like im in serious pain in doing so
6.wearing socks and shorts..though i may look like a geek when doing so
7.the raised arm that says all the things we need when me and iz see each other from a distance
8.lying in the middle of an isle in the movie theatre when its only me and some friends in the entire cinema...which happens quite often(wednesday nights?...)
9.staying after school...its weird, but i hate just rushing home
10.working at afterschool...just playing with the kids after a long hard day of school is the perfect medicine to get you out of a funk or streak of tiredness
11.i have a routine i follow everynight before i go to bed
12.reading harry potter and watching the movies....its a baaad obsession i got man
13.sets on saturday mornings....the people who really care and who would wake up early on a saturday morning are there
14.writing things, whether it be in a calligraphy-ish or block letter-ish way, with the markers that smell good on paper....i do it when im bored
15.really slow, relaxing music with lyrics that really mean something

yup. those have to be many of the things that people don't know about me that i love.
perhaps i will think of more at a later time..hm.

"Your skin

Oh yeah your skin and bones

Turn into something beautiful

D'you know you know I love you so

You know I love you so"

~Coldplay"Yellow"

She is a Fool

2006-03-11T16:51:00.000-08:00

a constant need embraces her insecure heart
the pain that came from unknown places
it keeps her on pins and needles
nothing is comfortable

i worry
i hold it in and let it out in ways that will never truely help
i can not look at her the same way
what happened to simplicity

she walks and every step is focused
days of carefree break and splinter the ground
she is sinking into her thoughts, no way out
fear is forgotten;instead, keep moving, keep burning

she is a fool
her actions leave me in places i don't wan't to wander
my mind whirls, her life spins out of control slowly, and surely
i love her too much

it hurts, i love that fool
trying to avoid it is useless
practically a sister, once simple
now

too complex to comprehend
where did chaos work its way into carefree?

and i live with this pain everyday: the ability to do nothing
without the consequence of losing everything

"And everybody wants to be special here

They call your name out loud and clear

Here comes a regular

Call out your name

Here comes a regular

Am I the only one here today?

~The Replacements "Here Comes A Regular"

Brilliance

2006-03-05T12:35:00.000-08:00

John Nash. You may have heard his name before. A great mathematician. Schizophrenic. His story is one that truely amazes me. Last summer for summer reading I needed a autobiography about something to fulfill the requirement. I, like many people, was dreading reading an autobiography. They're kind of stereotyped to be insanely boring and a waste of precious time for teenagers who would be much more intrigued by an afternoon in the sun. For my book, I chose A Beautiful Mind by Sylvia Nasar. Why did I choose this book? In all honesty, because I heard that it was a movie. And usually books that have been turned into movies are pretty exciting. Although I knew that the movie, of course, did not include all and the exact facts of Nash's life, I decided to turn Russell Crowe's face over and begin reading.
Now I have to tell you, I expected this book to be very hard for me to read due to all of the mathematical details. And if you know me well, you know that math is not at the top of my academic achievment list. This book went into the depths of mathemetics and Nash's struggle and brilliance in his quest through mathematics. Along with this quest, his struggle through the disease of his mind. Page 70. Einstien. Oh, Einstien. Nash actually met and shared his theory with Einstien! EINSTIEN. How fantastic. (sorry, nerd moment)
Now, it is early August when I'm reaching the depths of Nash's briliance when something shifts. I begin seeing how the disease of his ever brilliant mind begins to take over. How the schizophrenia began becoming more dominant in his daily life.
Now, this is also when I began being overwhlemed by the story. Of the intricate details. Of the verge of madness. Of the verge of insanity.
This is when I watched the movie. I know, I cheated and I'm sorry. I know that not all of the details are true, but I found it more helpful to understand.
You must be wondering now why I am writing about this movie in particular. Last night on channel 6, that movie was on. Me, being ultimately cool, was home and was watching it. I found myself amazed once again by Nash's life. The hurtles he had to overcome.
I still have that book on my night table. I don't know why, but I find a sense of comfort knowing that it's there. I find that having that book next to me shows that there can be such brilliance close to me. I know I've used the word "brilliance" like a million times, but there is no other way I can explain how that book, that movie, that life, affected me. Brilliance.

"I know how to play this game

one, two, three and I'm safe

count real slow to five

you couldn't keep me around if you tried

I know how to beat the rage

of my tender age

touch me once in the hall

but don't look back and don't call

There are some things I can hardly say

You've got me feeling a brand new way

Please don't let this be summerlong"

~Kathleen Edwards "Summerlong"

the rabbit hole

2006-03-02T12:43:00.000-08:00

keep up.
tick tock.
her birthday is coming soon.
get a present.
chem test friday.
tick tock.
block project.
tick.
where are my notecards.
tock.
found them.
keep up.
weekends.
plans?.
nah.
no time.
there's time.
time to plan?
tick tock.
sets.
tick
job.
tock.
hungry?.
no time.
conversations.
keep up.
so yesterday.
getting sick.
tick.
so sick.
just stop.
no.
tick tock.
quiet.
tick tick tick tick.
faint television in the background.
tock tock tock tock tock.
tickity.
hey where've you
tonight on channel 10 news
aww do you feel
have you done your
dinner's
i lost my
come on we're
where's your
can you get my
can i copy your
when does it
can i just
can i just
pause
cukoocukoo
cukoocukoo
tickticktickticktickticktick
beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep
tockticktockticktockticktock
when will it
when will you
will will it all

FREEZE!!!

i'm tumbling down the rabbit hole
where i will stop
nobody knows

"Hey now,

The past is told by those who win

My darling,

What matters is what hasn't been

Hey now,

We're wide-awake and we're thinking

My darling,

believe your voice can mean something

Say hello to good times

Trade up for the fast ride

We close our eyes while the nickel and dime take the streets

completely"

~Jimmy Eat World "Futures"

Whispers in Blankets

2006-01-26T16:48:00.000-08:00

Quiet lines of dancing light shines through my window
The wee hours seem to take a lifetime
I stare at the ceiling
Feeling as though im being stretched by the tightening silver

My blankets get tangled around my bare legs
I see the black around my bed
And debate on diving into shadow
In order to escape the closing

Follow the way it leads you
I think to myself
Dive into the deepening darkness of time

The blankets fall away from my body slowly
I hear their soft ruffle as the shadow swallows them up
My eyes open wide
My body is being stretched just like the ceiling lines

I hear the ripping of myself until only my eyes remain
I have been swallowed
My eyes are the only thing that let me see
What could have been

And I remain with that simple thought

"We both know

You've been fooled before

By your mischevous shadow.

It lures you back in

With a wink and a grin

And a promise of no regrets"

~Exerpt from "The Boy Who Wouldn't GrowUp" by Hannah mcDonnell

and the screen door opens...

2005-12-30T11:50:00.000-08:00

Last night i went to a party at my aunts fiances house. This is the house that she will soon be living in and, let me tell you, that family(my moms side) gets me a little frusterated at times. That side of the family is the one with all of the drama and fights with family members and whatnot. Now last night, my family went to that house, me being in a very bad mood because I can usually convince my parents to let me stay home. When I went into that house, I saw all of these people and I thought "another great night with the family i hardly ever see"...sarcasm applied of course. I got the house tour, and let me tell you, the guy that my aunt is marrying is very rich, and that house is pimped out. Like , p i m p e d o u t. I was like, damn, im coming here for summer parties.
I got to see my two little girl cousins who came back from florida(they had just moved there in the beginning of the year), and they ar the cutest things in the world.

Now, it seemed like an okay party, but I was sure to stay clear, for the most part, with my aunts fiance because, i mean hes a nice guy, but he kept talking to me about music, seeing as how he's in a band(drummer) besides his other job. Now, I would usually love talking about this kind of stuff but this past year I stopped taking piano lessons and took up voice. He kept talking to me about playing piano and i felt a little uneasy. But I thought i had stayed clear of him the whole night until my mom's cousin came to the party. Her name is kim.

Now, she is a musician, and suddenly i come upstairs from his pimped out basement, and she's holding a guitar. I'm thinking to myself "great, kevin(the fiance) is probably going to keep talking to me about piano, which i havent played in a long time"

everybody is a little tipsy at thsi point (chocolate martini's have been being drunken all night) and kim starts to play. Shes playing songs like riannon by fleetwood mac, southern man by neil young, and american pie and kevin gives me a tambourine, so im like umm what?....hes telling me to find the beat and hit it on the tambourine. So im doing this for a couple songs. When she starts to play american pie, all of the somehwat drunken people are singing along, so i murmer some lyrics as well because no one can hear me. I have been taking voice lessons but, im always very shy and nervous so i dont sing very loud when im with friends. That just the way I am. But then some of the crowd that had gathered started to disperse back down to the basement, and kevin tells me to sing some song with kim. I started to silently freak out in my handmade dining room chair, constantly saying "no, no im fine, no"....but

he wouldn't let me back down

he and kim looked into my eyes and she started to play "ohio" by neil young...
i knew this song very well, as my dad is a big fan of neil young and crosby, stills, nash and young
so i knew the lyrics, and first i started to muffle the song with kim, because at this point, my heart was racing like a madperson and i didn't know how people would react to my voice
my dad was sitting in the chair across from me, and i couldn't look at him, so i picked a spot on the floor looked down and sang the song, quietly so kims voice would shadow mine
but kevin knew i was doing this on purpose, so he made me find the harmony to her singing
this, of course, made me souond louder and higher than her, so everyone could hear me, whether i wanted them to or not

i had never sung in front of people like that because i had been too nervous
but last night, kevin made me face what i absolutely tried to avoid
and i hated him for making me do that, but it helped me so much

i find myself not as afraid to sing in front of people, and i think its time to whip out the old keyboard again

On May 4, 1970, a student demonstration at Kent State, Ohio left four students dead, one paralyzed, and eight others wounded. This demonstration, meant to be one of many peaceful demonstrations against the war, was ended abruptly and violently when the National Guard fired into the crowd for 13 seconds. The brief shootings ended the lives of students Jeffrey Miller, Allison Krause, William Schroeder, and Sandra Scheuer. The distances ranged from 270 feet to 390 feet. Some of these students were not even directly involved. Justified or not by self-defense, the "massacre" sparked a nationwide student strike that closed many colleges and universities.

"Tin soldiers and Nixon coming,

We're finally on our own.

This summer I hear the drumming

Four dead in Ohio."

~Neil Young "Ohio"

never, never, never, never well hardly ever...

2005-12-10T10:57:00.000-08:00

so today im coming to the slow but sad realization that i can not go to the cast party...ohh sadness...but looking on the brightside, i will have the cast party at the rec so..i guess it wont be so bad
anyways, so yesterday was the second performance and it went reaaaly well!...and tonight its the last one...i can feel the tears right behind my eyes ready to fall...but thats not until tonight so...i think i can keep it together until then...i mean, Mr VR
ive known him my WHOLE life, literally
when my dad started teaching at springside, he was there, teaching le french language...

i always remember (me being the smallest kid ever when i was little) looked up at him going down the hallway to be greeted with "hello, victoria!"...i'd always be too shy to say hi back..but i would always smile...

always

and as i grew up, he would still say hello to me
and when i finally got the oppritunity to be in Players, i was soooo happy because i would get to actually work on stage with him and be apart of that wonderful gruop of people

and my freshmen year had to have been the most amazing year..being introduced to all the of the people in players..having so many great memories...i mean come on
1.that magical group of seniors
2.experiencing all of the traditions
3.debra?..i mean C O M E O N
4.moxy
but then this year
..when i was there for what, my second rehersal for high society...sitting in that chair ready for singing when my world is shaken
"you all know that mr.smith is retiring this year"............i was blown away....but still alright
"since we have been a team for so long, i think it would be right for me to leave as well"..........

i dont even know what my reaction was...shock?...fear?....awe?
i just remember my eyes beginning to water.....i couldn't move...

then rehersal went on ....in a fog, for me

so tonight....the last night....of the second to last play that mr.vr will direct with me involved...
quite frankly, i really dont know what i will do.....what i will think?...

"Dance, Dance

We're falling apart to half time

Dance, Dance

And these are the lives you'd love to lead"

~Fall Out Boy "Dance, Dance"

roy, roy roy roy, roy roy roy, roy roy royyyy....

2005-12-09T09:17:00.000-08:00

So last night was the first high society performance and it was.....

AMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAZZZIIIIIIIIINNNNNGGGGGG!

the chorus didn't mess up at all!..we finally pulled through guys..it was great
its been such a long time since a players performance backstage for me..god, ever since alice!..but it was worth the wait!...
there were great moments:
watching in the wings
hilltones
laurelei
zoe trying, and failing to hold in her excitement about her first performance!
the lashes...mmm
knowing how much murph missed us sophmore girls...ohhh murph .....hahaha
there were some sad moments:
mr.vr's speech...i was crying...but desperately trying not to and trying to hold myself together

but overall...i am SOOO PSHYCED FOR TONIGHT AND SATURDAY!! for these next 2 shows
gottta go make some hot CHOCOLAT on this SNOOOWW DAYYY

"They say that bears have love affairs

and even camels

were mearly mammals

LETS MISBEHAVE!"

~HIGH SOCIETY